Falling up
by xCandyCoatedCyanideX
Summary: After your best friend dies by your own blade, what do you do? Ichigo knows everything happens for a reason, but when the reason is hidden among his guilt and pain, can he delve deep enough into his sorrow to find it? Yaoi.ByaIchi
1. Introduction

**Falling Up**

Angst/Romance/Humor

**Disclaimer: **The characters used in this story are not mine, and I do not make a profit from them.

**Warnings: **Character death, language

There will be many more warnings added as the story continues, so I suggest you check back to this page when new chapters are added if you are squeamish about anything.

Reviews are always welcome!

- Cye


	2. Fire and Ice

The raindrops caught in the sunlight looked like shards of crystal frozen in mid-air. It's cold today, well, at least, it seems that way to me. I've been cold for days now.

"People want to live long, but in the end what matters more is what we have been able to leave behind," As her brother began to speak, I recognized his words as the last words Rukia Kuchiki ever spoke, "the value we have created in our lives, the number of people we have made happy, and how much we have been able to grow and expand as a person."

I tore my gaze from the sky and settled it on Byakuya. He was staring at his family's burial site, a small gold locket in his hand that belonged to his sister. To him, it seemed no one else was there, a private conversation between him and Rukia, the last they would ever have.

I don't think anyone else saw what I saw in Byakuya. They saw the same cold, heartless man, but not me. When he set that locket down by her tombstone, I saw how hesitant he was, I noticed how his fingers caressed the chain for a fraction of a second before he let his little sisters favorite item rest with her. He stood proudly, his face was cold, yes, but it was a different cold. It was the same kind of cold my face was holding. And when he looked at me, I could see the pain in his eyes, because they mirrored mine. Today was the first day Byakuya and I shared anything in common. Isn't it ironic?

Today, we are burning men. There is a fire inside, caused by grief, pain, loss… It's burning us alive from the inside out. The only thing keeping us from bursting into flame is the coldness that surrounds us. It cools the fire just enough to keep us alive, to torture us, emotionally and physically until we have no clue what's happening around us.

The last three days passed in a blur, I can't tell you how I got here, I can't tell you if I've slept, or eaten. I don't know if I've cried, or screamed, or whispered 'I love you!' or growled 'I hate you!' The only thing I remember is the one thing I wish I could forget.

_We were standing in the middle of a field, a hollow in front of us. Rukia and I were fighting it together so it would be no match for us, easy as 1, 2, 3. She went after it first, racing me to it, and we were laughing. Rukia might not have been as strong as me but she made it up in speed. I watched her jump, she was graceful in every way that I wasn't. Her kick to the back of its head sent the hollow flying face down into the dirt, and I ran to administer the final blow. _

_And that's when my world crashed down around me. _

_When I raised my sword, tentacles sprang from the hollows body. Two grabbed Rukia, she let her guard down. The other two were aimed for me. I thought I could easily sidestep them, but the hollow wrapped them around my ankles and I was falling. I saw the monster's intentions the moment before it happened but I had no way to stop it. I was helpless and useless, I felt so small in that second. A body, moving as fast as lightning towards my blade. And when my body finally hit the ground, I saw it, the image burned into my mind. Forever. _

_Impaled. My best friend. Impaled on my own sword. _

I was pulled from my thoughts by a warm hand on my face, wiping the tears that I hadn't known were there. I was on my knees, in front of her grave, alone now except for this person standing in front of me. When I looked up, I saw those eyes that so much matched mine, the fire and ice rolling behind that carefully placed façade. Byakuya.

"Come with me, please… Ichigo."


	3. I didn't know

"Come with me, please… Ichigo."

This man hated me. I could see it; sense it with every aspect of my being. He had the right to hate me, this I know. I hate me too.

"Yeah." It was the only thing I could say without my voice breaking. I didn't have it in me to deny him this, this chance to talk, or kill me, if that's what he wanted. So I stood, with his help, my knees were shaking slightly and I didn't even have the strength to blush because I needed his support.

Without a word he began walking, I followed. I would have followed him to the end of the earth if that was where he wanted me to be, if it would rid him of even the tiniest bit of pain that I've caused him. And so we walked together for hours, it seemed as if silence lay over the entirety of the Soul Society; a dark, but comfortable blanket of silence as if the sky was telling us 'it is dark now, but come tomorrow, there will be new light.' Well, that's what I was hoping it meant.

I came from my thoughts the moment we stopped. We were under a Cherry Blossom tree, on top of a hill looking over a field of wild daisies.

"This was Rukia's favorite place to sit and think," was all Byakuya said to me as we stood there, looking out over the flowers. It was too much for me, way too much. I turned away from him as the tears began to fall again. This place smelt too much like her, it reminded me of the flowers she put in my hair while I was sleeping one night, and how I laughed at her when I woke up, she was trying to take a picture but the camera was upside down. This place was beautiful. It was my personal hell.

"You… you want to avenge her death… right? That's why you brought me out here?" I had to know. I had to know if I was going to die. I didn't know if I would fight him, I didn't know if I wanted to die or not.

"No, that's not why I brought you here. If I were going to kill you, I would have done it as soon as I saw you walk through that gate with her in your arms. I would have killed you, and caught her before she hit the ground. If I wanted to kill you, Kuro- … Ichigo, you would be dead."

He should have killed me. I dropped to me knees; hands gripping the roots of the cherry blossom tree, my back was turned to him and I was praying. Praying silently that he would shove his sword through my heart right then. Hoping that he wouldn't.

"WHY?!? Why won't anyone blame me for this!?" I knew these were practically the same words I screamed at my father, years ago, on the sixth anniversary of my mothers death, but I couldn't stop the words from flowing. "I couldn't do ANYTHING! Why is it that no one blames me?!?" I crumpled to the ground, tears flowing freely from my eyes, my hands gripped in my own hair, trying to remove this feeling, the pain, the guilt. "It.. it's.. s-so hard! It would be e-easier if everyone would just… b-blame m… me."

"I said I wouldn't kill you, and I won't. That does not mean that I do not blame you for my sister's death…" I looked up at him; his eyes sparkled with unshed tears and he turned away from me, gazing back out over the field. "I won't kill you because she was in love you… I… I assume you were in love with her too, correct?"

"…Yes." I never knew that was true, until now. I didn't know how much she actually meant to me until she was gone forever.

"I loved her. I know it may not have seemed like it, but it is true. I loved her. My little sister. She is the only reason I did not kill you, Ichigo. Her love for you saved your life." The corner of his mouth twitched into a small smile. "That, and because I wouldn't want her to kill me, if I see her again."

I smiled too, a small smile, but a true one. For the first time in days I felt a little lighter. We said not a single word to each other for the rest of the night, but I found comfort in the silence around us, sharing the stars, the grief, sharing hell.

As the sun rose over the horizon, he looked back at me as I stood.

"I wish… I wish I would have told her… that I loved her." I said, as I began to walk away from him.

The wind carried his soft whisper to me. "So do I."


	4. Decisions

Now that the funeral was over, Ichigo had nothing left to do in the soul society. He tried looking for Renji, but no one had seen him since the night before and he dared not go to Byakuya to ask. He had not seen the captain since early this morning and he did not wish to interrupt him. He had a hunch that Byakuya would be going back to his usual, cold self, not that he changed much last night. Ichigo finally, _finally, _got the smallest, teeniest glimpse of the face behind the mask, he wasn't ready to truly acknowledge the fact the he would never see it again. But, although he had no intentions on finding the man, Ichigo couldn't seem to get him off of his mind.

'I wonder why he took me to that place, to Rukia's private spot. Is he the only other person that knows about it?' He was sitting on his futon, in his guest quarters, contemplating everything that had happened. He and Byakuya had actually had a civilized conversation. Not a particularly _long _conversation, but a conversation nonetheless. For hours, while he was packing his things to go back to the world of the living, Ichigo thought about what was said.

"_So do I." _

'So do I…. _So do I…' _ it replayed over and over in his head. Rukia had never heard the words –I love you- from her brother. He loved her, but he never said it. 'Just like me… I wonder if she knew. I wonder if she knew either of us loved her…'

B

The cup of tea Byakuya held shook delicately in his hand. For the first time in a very, _very, _long time he felt unsure of himself. He couldn't let go of the nagging feeling that everyone's eyes were on him, some full of sorrow and pity for his loss, others full of anger because he looked like he didn't even care. He had half a mind to set Senbonzakura loose on all of them, but the sane part finally convinced him that it wouldn't help anything.

After finishing his tea he stood, waited for the small servant girl to clear the table, and then strode to the mirror on the wall. This wasn't the first time he looked in it today. His face was the clear, blank perfection it always was but the moment he looked away, his imagination provided a different image; sickly pale skin, dark circles under puffy red eyes, hair sticking in odd waves instead of the usual arrow straight. His subconscious was giving him a visual of how he felt, and so, his feet repeatedly took him back to the mirror.

He sighed, running a hand over his face before turning away from the mirror and leaving for the sixth division headquarters. It was cloudy out today but no rain yet. He walked at a comfortable pace, in no hurry to be around people today. Knowing Renji would be late anyways, he knew he didn't have to be there immediately to throw orders at his lieutenant. The walk wasn't long, but it was peaceful, almost as peaceful as his night with Kurosaki.

'_I wish… I wish I would have told her… that I loved her.'_

'I wonder why he never told her. Was it fear? If so, then what kind of fear? Fear of rejection? Fear of commitment? Fear of love itself? Maybe… Maybe he didn't know…'

These questions intrigued him, batted at his brain until all he could see was an orange haired boy with love shining brightly in his deep brown orbs. Ichigo wouldn't fear love, no, so that meant he had to have just not figured it out. He just didn't know he was in love. Byakuya uncharacteristically rolled his eyes. 'That Kurosaki has to have the thickest skull of anyone that I have ever met.'

Suddenly, he realized he was in front of headquarters. Shaking his head slightly to dispel his thoughts, he slid open the door.

I

He didn't want to leave, not yet. After everything that happened, he didn't want to go back to the human world, back to his room with his empty closet, his classroom with an empty chair. That world was empty. What was once his home is now a void that he is afraid to walk into. Yes, afraid. He had a right to be afraid now… didn't he?

If he could just find a reason to stay, anything, anything at all, he would do it. He would clean the sewers with squad four if he had to.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, making him loose the rhythm in which he was pacing. "Uh… M… Mr. Kurosaki? We have to leave now…" said a small boy, voice timid.

Ichigo growled loud enough for the boy to hear him and a slightly sadistic smile crept to his lips as he heard the boy shuffle away from the door. "Hold your horses, I'm coming."

"Y-yes, Sir."

Ichigo opened the door to reveal a small boy of the fourth squad, looking at the ground with confusion written all over his face, mumbling about how he doesn't have horses, so how is he supposed to hold them. The orange haired boy rolled his eyes and stalked out of the room.

"Umm… Mr. Kurosaki, Sir? … Uh… You're going the wrong way."

B

'Where the hell is Renji? He was supposed to be here over an hour ago. He's usually late, but not so much on the days we spar.' Byakuya looked over at Renji's desk, eyebrows knitted in suspicion. He never took much notice to his lieutenant's desk, except to tell Renji to clean it; the man really is a slob. Byakuya stood; he knew he shouldn't be doing this but he had a strange feeling. He didn't know how to explain it; somehow, he just knew there was something on the desk that could explain Renji's absence.

He sighed and walked to the desk, looking over his shoulder. He felt paranoid,

like someone was watching him, like the moment he opened the desk drawer Renji would walk in. Not that it would matter much but, he didn't want to get caught acting as if he were worried. That wouldn't be a good thing, especially since he opened up too much to Ichigo already. It wouldn't do to have a rumor going around that he actually had feelings or anything of the sort.

'It's Kurosaki… not Ichigo.' The captain sighed, looking up at the door one more time before sliding the desk drawer open. Nothing.

'Huh. Maybe I was over reacting.' He shook his head slightly, No, something is definitely wrong. He opened the only drawers left, the three drawers running down the right side of the desk, and searched through the papers. Still nothing.

Byakuya huffed as dignifiedly as is possible, sitting down in Renji's chair and crossing his arms. He knew Renji, knew almost everything about him, if not all. So if there was something to find, he would just have to figure out where Renji would have it.

Renji… Fiery, short-tempered… almost as clueless as Ichigo… ('Kurosaki!' Byakuya chided himself mentally) but most importantly, he wanted to get ahead of Byakuya Kuchiki, outsmart him, out perform him. Not many people knew, but it was actually a quite healthy competition between them, the captain and his lieutenant were… not really friends… but close acquaintances. This kind of thing happened a lot, but not like this, not when Renji wasn't here to see his captain squint his eyes in confusion. But Byakuya would play the game, figure out the problem. He always did.

A smile formed on his lips and he slid his hand along the underside of the desk, feeling for something. Renji always said, the best hiding place is right under your nose. He gripped the paper taped to the desk, pulling it off gently. Holding it up in front of his face he rolled his eyes for the second time that day, the top of the folded paper read "Knew ya'd find it capy-tan!" along with a drawing that was almost as bad as Rukia's. He flipped the paper open and flattened it out on the desk, leaning forward slightly to read it.

_Hope I didn't make it to hard to find. So, I guess your wondering why I'm not there, and probably thinking of some cruel punishment for me or something. Sorry to disappoint you, capy but I'm not coming back. I resign. Rukia was the reason I became a soul reaper, without her, there's no reason for me to stay. Sorry for disappointin ya. _

_Renji_

_P.S. _

_Ichigo. Just think about it. _

I

Ichigo was mumbling to himself, kicking rocks along the ground as he walked to find Ukitake, who would be accompanying him through the Senkaimon. Ukitake just wanted to talk, he was sure, to find out if Ichigo was doing alright. He winced at just the thought. What would he tell the other man? What could he tell him? 'Oh, ya know, I'm fine. My I killed my best friend, I can't get her brother off of my mind, I'm willing to clean sewers just to stay here. Just fine, not crazy at all.'

His footsteps faltered as a hell butterfly landed on the shoulder of the boy walking along with him. His eyes grew wide and he nodded before turning to Ichigo. "It seems, Mr. Kurosaki, that you won't be leaving yet."

"I won't?"

"No, Head Captain Yamamoto has requested your presence in his office."

Ichigo's eyes widened as well. "What's the old bastard want with _me_?"

The boy frowned in disproval at Ichigo's choice of words but answered him nonetheless "I… I do not know, but you'd better hurry." He pushed Ichigo in the right direction and Ichigo flashed stepped the whole way there.

Stopping outside the door to knock, he scratched his head nervously, trying to think of any reason for this. He was drawing a blank.

"Enter, Ichigo Kurosaki."

He walked in and looked around quickly, Yamamoto sitting behind his desk and… Byakuya.

Oh. This is why he was here. Suddenly, he wished he would have left earlier. He should have known Byakuya wouldn't just let him off so easily. He should have known he would die for this. He should be welcoming it… He wasn't. He didn't feel like dying today, today definitely wasn't a good day for death. It's cloudy and raining and… and… no one wants to watch an execution in the rain right?

"Kurosaki, Renji Abarai has resigned. Did you know about this?" Yamamoto said.

Well, that wasn't expected. "What? No. No, I didn't know… he… is he here? Did he leave?"

"He left," Byakuya cut in, "but that is not the point of calling you here. I have talked this over with Head Captain Yamamoto. We have decided that you would be suitable for the position."

"WHA?!? You want me to become a lieutenant? Don't you have to like… work your way up to that or something?! Shouldn't the new lieutenant do something to deserve the position?"

The Head Captain held up his hand to stop all further talking. "I think that no one deserves the position more than you, Ichigo Kurosaki. The only thing left to ask is… Will you accept?"


	5. Choices and Plans

**A/N: **I did some editing on the first 3 chapters and added an Intro page. I thought it was needed =] And since I'm a perfectionist, I keep changing things lol I apologize for it, but hopefully it makes the story better.

All mistakes are mine, so please, if you notice any, let me know they are there!

Eramaeni - Thanks so much =] I know you were pissed lol I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but HERE IT IS!! I hope you aren't _too _mad at me =] especially because this one ends sooo horribly

emmettcullenluver - Ichigo loved Rukia as in 'lover' not sister.. But you'll have to wait to see how it plays out! I know it sounds bad to put him with Bya, but trust me =]

isamu-michi - I love when people give me in depth reviews so thanks! Not many people like the fact that Renji left, but as you'll begin to see in this chapter, there's a reason for it. I agree that if I kept Ichigo in character, he would probably say no, _but _I'm not going to be keeping him in character the _entire _time, but most of the time he will be. As for the rest, you'll find out soon!

This one is shorter than the others, sorry, but you'll have to bear with me =] I'm working hard on keeping my grades up for my scholarships!

Thanks For Reading Everyone!

* * *

Have you ever noticed that when life gives you difficulties, it seems like they all come at the same time? It's more like, life hands you a difficulty on a silver platter, then pelts all the others at you, hitting you square between the eyes every time, while you're trying to digest the first one. Ichigo sighed and shook his head. When he said he'd do anything to stay in the soul society, he didn't know this would become an option. Becoming a lieutenant, becoming _Byakuya's _lieutenant! Maybe he really would just ask them ifhe could clean the sewers. That may possibly be a better solution than working all day with the 6th division captain.

"Kurosaki," The head captain interrupted his train of thought, "This is something that must be dealt with right away, will you accept this position or not?" He was becoming agitated, waiting so long for Ichigo's answer. They had been threw the What's and the Why's and the How's and whatever else, and Ichigo still had not come to a decision.

Byakuya, patience wearing thin, came up with an idea. The only thing he could think of that could work. "Kurosaki… What would Rukia have told you to do?" It was a low blow, he knew, but he had to get Ichigo to accept this position. If he didn't, his plans would flow right down the drain. He wasn't that horrible, that Ichigo couldn't live a few months of working for him, he was sure.

Ichigo's eyes took on a distant look, his face seemed to immediately become shallower, paler and Byakuya felt disgusted with himself for bringing her into this. But before he could figure out a way to take those words back, Ichigo spoke.

"She would have wanted me to do this…" He said, even his voice a little distant, like his mind was in a far off place. "She would have told me this was the right thing to do…" His eyes snapped into focus, a fire smoldering behind the surface the way they do whenever he decides to take on a challenge. "I'll do it, I accept."

Byakuya nodded and walked past him to the door. Pausing as he opened it, he told Ichigo, "I expect you at headquarters at 5:30, tomorrow morning." And then he walked out, leaving Yamamoto to explain the duties to his new lieutenant.

___I___

Six hours. _Six hours_. He didn't realize it was possible, that explaining all the duties of his new position could take that long. Did lieutenants really do more than paperwork? Apparently, yes, they did. A hell of a lot more.

'_Why did Renji _do _this to me? Where the hell _is _he? He needs to get his ass back here because I can't do this shit. This is bullshit. It's all Renji's fault. If he would have just stayed put, this wouldn't have happened. Why the hell did I even say yes? Oh, that's right, because of Byakuya. Change of heart, it's all that bastards fault. He brought Rukia into it, which was low. What the hell does he get out of it anyways?_

Ichigo grumbled, walking around his guest room, which he would be moving out of tomorrow, to occupy a house set up just for him, like they knew this would happen. The thought of that made Ichigo growl, just a little. It probably was all a plan, that they would wait until something big happened then convince me to stay here and help them. Those dirty, sneaky bastards.

He lay on his bed and thought to himself some more, something that was becoming quite normal. His mind filled with Renji. Why had the man left in the first place? Obviously it had something to with Rukia's death. (Rukia's death… that still made Ichigo cringe) But why hadn't he told anyone? Why isn't anyone _looking _for him? To Ichigo, this didn't seem like normal 'Renji behavior'.

___B___

Byakuya practically floated around headquarters, seeming to glide on his smugness. You could almost taste the mood radiating around him. That was easier than he thought it would be, though it took much, _much _longer than he thought it would, but was definitely easier. For one, he was expecting a flat out 'No.' but when that didn't happen, his outlook on the situation became much more hopeful. Now that he had the orange haired boy working for him, everything would go as planned, he was sure of that. Ready to go home for the night, he walked through his office once more, shooting a glance at Renji's old desk, now to become Ichigo's. Renji should have known better, Byakuya never leaves a mystery unsolved. In a few days time, he will know where Renji is, and hopefully, why he even left.


End file.
